Beginning of last week, I said that I will ask them to both fight for me But in the middle of the week, something happen... pretty complicated... One of them decided to dropped out.. and Honestly at that moment I was really disappointed. When he dropped out, I told myself that I don't want to be so vulnerable anymore.. So, after that no matter what he said to get back in the game is not acceptable. I know it sounds cruel.. but i feel that my heart has been played (even though it is not his intention)
So now Down to 1 person to concentrate on....Relationship? Not yet.. taking our time slowly. I just don't want to just into conclusion that fast as I might fall out of it fast. These days I have been spending time with him... There are moments where I still feel a little bit weird.. not in a bad way For example: if I have a blue black bruise, my previous one will straight away look for Zambuk and start rubbing So when I think about it I just Smile and rubbing it myself. The way they talk, they walk, they behave, they joke... it's very different If you really know both of them, you will understand why I say they are two very different person There's always a Pro and Cons in every person as nobody is perfect no matter how hard they try.
Memories will still be memories.. Keep creating memories..
Wednesday, 01 July 2009
Yesterday I kept on singing the 我以为, somehow.. I finally realised who is this song is telling. If you know who you are... I just want to say.. Thank you for everything that you have done to me. You will always be a part of my life and There is no one who can takes ur place in my heart. 我很感谢你, My life will never be complete if I have never met you b4. 请留在我身邊清。。。 I don't care if there is anybody who will be jealous or against it...
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
Finally I can relax a little bit after yesterday.. Yesterday I felt lost, confused and tired of choosing. Yday I really wish that someone would just choose one for me.. I dun want to care about it anymore. BUT.. I know that is not right.. coz If it is not from my heart, I will hurt the other person again.
So I thought carefully and slowly... what are the best decision.. I tried my best not to hurt both parties.. I conquered my fear and say what I think.. taking risks with my decision. There is a part of me afraid that if one of them forfeit.. in a way I am the one that will be hurt Coz.. I will think.. am I not worth fighting for? Of course I will act cool if that happened.. But I am glad that they both agreed to my Terms and Conditions.
This is the craziest demands that I have asked for in my life.. =p~ I will have to put in a lot of effort in both of them as well.. Dating 2 person is no easy job! Both of them have their own insecurities from their point of view.. and it is very interesting to encounter it.
I promise myself these things to myself and to them for fairer judgement: 1. I will not read any of their personal Blogs 2. I will judge them based on their own effort, not based on other external forces 3. I will not compare their talents.. as it is not fair.. instead i will compare the Effort that they put in.
... gile ini di kantor pada makan kerupuk soalnya tadi ada tukang kerupuk lewat... Gua ini lagi batuk en pilek belom sembuh... cuman bisa liatin en Senyum pas liat mereka makan :~( Haiz.. but I bought some Caramel banana Chips for my house... If u like it.. Come to my house to get some *WINK*
Monday, 29 June 2009
Gilee... akhir2 ini gua merasa weak banget.. well.. mostly kalo di office sih.. like last Thrusday and Saturday (I came back for half day) Gua rasanya mo pengsan begini.. rasanya lemes.. terus tiba2 kadang bisa blank kepala en thought.. what was I doing? But everytime that happen.. I will try to take a deep breath and pretend that nothing had happen.
Now I feel like I want to disspear.. feel like going back Medan for few days or somewhere that nobody knows me Just want to be alone.. away from everything that I know. I don't know what to feel, what to believe or what to think anymore. everything seems to be contradicting.. my heart, my head, parents, friends' opinion and God's Guidance which one should I follow? most people will say my heart But I am afraid my heart is experiencing a temporary insanity I am NOT a person to make decision with my heart...
It's true that life is about taking risks.. but which risk should I take? Should I take a White or Black Box? As I don't know which one is better... I have swallowed my pride..think back all the things.. but still I dun want to decide. Coz I am afraid of that will the outcome are or what are the Karma will be.. I hand is literrally Shivering... I will stop here..
I Finally able to find a website that allow you read the pinyin + Translate it quite Accurately ^-^ That is why I can come out with this Translation.. I think somehow it is ironic coz it is in a way explaining my situation now. even though the outcome is not finalised...
So.. Enjoy :)
我以为 I thought Wo Yi Wei
你总说不想有天让我知道, You always said that does not want to have a day that I don’t know, nizong shuo bu xiang you tian rang wo zhi dao
你对他,有那么好. You treat him that well ni dui da, you na me hao
你说会懂我的失落, You said you understand my loss ni shuo hui dong wo de shi luo
不是靠宽容,就能够解脱. Does not depend on tolerance, will be able to escape. bu shi kao kuan rong , jiu neng gou jie tuo
我以为我出现的时候刚好, I thought I appear at the right time wo yi wei wo chu xian de shi hou gang hou
你和他,就说要分开. you and him are breaking up ni he ta, jiu shuo yao feng kai
我以为你,已对他不再期待, I thought you are no longer expecting him wo yi wei ni, yu dui ta bu zai qi dai
不纵容他再给你伤害 do not let him harm you again bu zong rong tazai gei ni shang hai
CHORUS:
我以为我的温柔,能给你整个宇宙, I thought my care able to give you the universe wo yi wei wo de wen rou, neng gei ni zheng ge yu zhou
我以为我能全力填满你感情的缺口, wo yi wei wo neng quan li tian man ni gan qing de que kou I thought I can fully fill the gap in your feelings
全心陪在你左右.弥补他一切的错, quan xin pei zai ni zuo you.Mi bu ta yi qie de chuo Wholehearted ly be there by yourside to make up for his fault.
也许我太过天真,以为奇迹会发生. Perhaps I was too naive, thinking that a miracle will happen ye xu wa tai guo tian zhen, yi wei qi ji hui fa sheng.
我以为终究你会慢慢明白, I thought you will eventually understand wo yi wei zhong jiu ni huiman man ming pai
他的心已不在你身上, His heart is no longer with you ta de xin bu zai ni sheng shang
我的关心,你依然无动于衷, My care remains the same wo de guan sing, ni yi ran wu dong yu zhong
我的以为只是我以为. what I thought is only a thought wo de yu wei zhi shi wo yi wei
Rep CHORUS
他让你红了眼眶,你却还笑着原谅, He make you cry ( red Eyes), you still laugh and forgives him. ta rang ni hong le yan kuang, ni que hai xiao zhe yuan liang
原来你早就想好你要留在谁的身旁. it seems that from the start you know who you want to be with yuan lian ni zao jiu xiang hao ni yao liu zai shei de shen pang
我以为我够坚强,却一天天的失望, I thought I was strong enough, eventhough one day I have to be disspointed wo yi wei wo gou jian qiang, que yi tian tian de shi wang
少给我一点希望,希望就不是奢望. Give me a little less hope not expect shao gei wo yi dian xi wang, xi wangjiu bu shi she wang.
Rep CHORUS
他让你红了眼眶,你却还笑着原谅, He make you cry ( red Eyes), you still laugh and forgives him. ta rang ni hong le yan kuang, ni que hai xiao zhe yuan liang
原来你早就想好你要留在谁的身旁. it seems that from the start you know who you want to be with yuan lian ni zao jiu xiang hao ni yao liu zai shei de shen pang
我以为我够坚强,却输的那么绝望, I thought I was strong enough, but lose in desperation wo yi wei wo gou jian qiang, que shu de na me jue wang
少给我一点希望,希望就不是奢望. Give me a little less hope not expect shao gei wo yi dian xi wang, xi wangjiu bu shi she wang.
Thursday, 25 June 2009
My head hurts, my stomach feels like butterflies and I think I will be sick soon. Males banget ke Doctor.. Abis harus jalan jauh lg :( Now I am thinking whether I should go or not.. Abis kalo sakit kan males jalan jauh.. that is why I am Blog-ging.. I wish I can blog with my BB.. hahaha...
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
I am bored!! and I have 15 minutes in the Office before I clock off.. After this, I am going to AMK to collect my stuff from his house Followed by Dinner with my AMK Gang..
Actually I am a little bit Dilemma.. Should I go or not? But My common sense tells me to do it Even though my Heart tells me not to go.. I am just afraid what I will see, what I will feel.. I have decided to go! Maybe this will be the last time I will ever step into that house.
I am just wondering.. how is the Hamster doing?.. Coz he said that he is going back.. Who will take care of that poor little guy?
Honestly, I still care.. but somehow everything that I say seems like a death penalty I tried to be nice so many times.. but it is still the same Now.. I decide to keep quite.. keep whatever I feel and think So all I will do is read and hear his songs. and Life goes on...
I feel weird that Me and him is communicating Through our Blog Honestly, I am not trying to tell him anything.. Just expressing what I am feeling It's hard to express your feeling in Facebook as I dun want to be so Transparent in front of everybody Eventhough, my Blog link is there.. But there is a low possibility that people will view if I don't post it on my Profile.
I am not going to comment anything about his blog Nor defending myself on anything that he said There is no point of doing it.. I understand all he does is expressing himself~
Just please take good care of yourself.. Don't do anything to hurt yourself and dun have funny thoughts I have said these too many times and you will react negatively anyway BUT I will still keep reminding u...!!! Ok enough of that Drama about me and Him Now I am going to continue with my Blogging activities~
I recently bought BlackBerry bold and connected to Blackberry server It's been about 1 week now.. and I AM SO ADDICTED Hey people.. If you have BB.. Please add me ok! Ask for my Pin ^-^ I love this BB services as I can catch up with my friends overseas Less the International SMS cost + I am always online in MSN Also I look Professional in Singapore... xp~ Apparently in Singapore most people who use BB is Higher Management people (at least that is what I heard...)
Great Singapore Sale.. I am so broke.. I spent so much that When I went online to check my Credit Card statement I have to think for a while... DID I BUY ALL THESE STUFF??? hahahaha... I admit I do buy a lot of stuff.. but I cannot remember it is THAT MUCH~ Ehem.. now is down-time for my Shopping habit. So, Now I am switching to Gym~ and I can Creambath in Gym also.. Since my hair is Fairly Damaged =(
It's been over a month since I decided to walk my own path, it hurts in a certain way and there are moments of insanity. Moments where you look back and think... is this right? However, when I tried to cool down and really think about it.. My decision is still the same..
My heart still feel the pain reading all those letters.. Reading those Blogs... Your emails and Songs.. that are the 2 things that I still can't touch I still have feelings for you but somehow feelings are not sufficient
No matter how many sorry s, It know it will not fix ur broken heart.. But somehow in my heart I hope you forgive me Last week.. maybe is our last meeting~ But I do Hope that we will meet someday and I can see that you are Happy.
If you are reading this, You will react in negatively~ You will go back to your COLD self before me I am disappointed.. Coz it seems that you've not learnt anything Well, who am I to judge now... Coz Whatever I said will look so wrong now